Monday, November 19, 2012
I haven't wrote on my health for some time now, mostly because of those who like to spy on my blog with bad intentions, those same people have NEVER been given these pieces of my life due to their inability to be trusted with such painful experiences, but as I pondered on having to with- hold so much of what was going on in life right now I reminded myself about the importance of writing and that some day when I am no longer here my family has a portal of what I was feeling that maybe was to difficult to share, or was lost in what they themselves were feeling having to go thru it with me.
I have tried to be a pocket full of sunshine lately (yes I know that song is now stuck in your head but enjoy the catchy tune). I have tried to not focus or get stuck in a woes-is-me, I have bucked up and pretend all is fine, heck I have even quit teaching adult Bible study because I thought I wasn't being a good Christian due to all my pretending that life is so full, not what it really is full of and that is......
sickness........yes I am sick........yes I am scared......... I am angry with stupid people and their constant meddling in my life when asked point blank they were not welcomed..........I am tired of one thing after another bringing me down...........I am tired of trying to smile thru the pain so my family isn't worried.......I am sick of the nightmares of the past....I hate the pills and the needles and the scans and the study......I hate the word HATE!!! I do not want pity why do people think it helps to pity...ok I take that back because sometimes pity gets confused with sympathy but even then it is difficult when friends, true friends, avoid you because they just don't know what to say and then when asked why they are avoiding they turn it around like they somehow are wronged. UGH people people people! I can not expect others to think and act like me in situations, I have to stop expecting, but that doesn't mean I have to stop asking for RESPECT. I have this horrible anxiety of trying to do so many things before I can't because I am simply to sick to do them, I am trying to spend & mend things with certain family members because I WANT too. I also want to sightsee, stroll thru cute little shops, travel to fun destinations, and WRITE. I want to communicate with uplifting people who inspire me to try and be that one person whom makes the day special by kind words. I feel like I am running out of time but I know that is not the case.....NOT YET.
We went to Reno last weekend and the trip....... was stressful. My daughter hurt herself and now is bedrest for 6 weeks due to a broken savatical it is the bone below your tailbone, she has a very active 7 1/2 month old baby. I worry about her and know right now I am limited on what I can help them with this time. I do not want to miss a moment of my grandsons milestones or opportunities to be there and bond with him but I need to get well.
I had been feeling really awful sense the trip and I took it as to much driving, sitting, and not being able to take anything for the discomfort. The Dr.s had taken me off ALL meds so they could do bone marrow testing this week, the withdraws have been horrible, I have several symptoms like that of early pregnancy but no hopes of a baby after it passes LOL. I heave my guts out every morning starting at 3 am, I hurt in random places and I am scared to death of TIA's (small strokes) they took me off my medication for those, so every head or neck pain is a panic. We have the warning signs all over the place at home, in the car, and at my work.... for stroke, I have survived 3. I am not a sickly person quite the opposite. I am one of those people that checked everything off as....it is just stress!!! I had more stress in my life than 10 people and that is no exaggeration. I am now paying the price of not taking care of ME when it was minor and manageable. Working thru the pain was normal for me, I worked double shifts running a fever, no problem, as long as I stayed strong I would get thru it, the survivor in me always took over and now I am learning to be vulnerable and it is a scary thing.
Due to the whiteblood cells being so high now for so long it is causing problems, my appt. this week with the blood specialist went terribly....the kidneys are trying to shut down, they flushed me with fluids, I was pass the normal dehydrated stage so they got me fluids and an anti-biotic going thru Iv's I will continue taking then orally and I am to take my temperature several times a day if even the slightest elevation I am to go straight to the hospital. I have to put the spinal testing and bone marrow on hold now so the withdraws from my medications seems for nothing. I have added a new specialist to the Dr. list, I will be seeing a kidney specialist on Monday. They are doing a procedure Tuesday where they take all the whiteblood cells out of the blood and then inject them back into me and they are suppose to go right to the infected site so they can see if it will tell them exactly where the disease is, we tried this before and it failed to show anything other then the kink spot in the colon and then they couldn't get a good enough biopsy bla bla bla, so here we are again.
I have confidence that the Holiday will be fine that is the ONE blessing about our lil family, my kids are great with a no fuss, stay in jammies, and munch all day, Turkey day!!!