Monday, November 19, 2012

Health Update


I haven't wrote on my health for some time now, mostly because of those who like to spy on my blog with bad intentions, those same people have NEVER been given these pieces of my life due to their inability to be trusted with such painful experiences, but as I pondered on having to with- hold so much of what was going on in life right now I reminded myself about the importance of writing and that some day when I am no longer here my family has a portal of what I was feeling that maybe was to difficult to share, or was lost in what they themselves were feeling having to go thru it with me.
I have tried to be a pocket full of sunshine lately   Watch the Pocketful Of Sunshine Video on Vevo! (yes I know that song is now stuck in your head but enjoy the catchy tune). I have tried to not focus or get stuck in a woes-is-me, I have bucked up and pretend all is fine, heck I have even quit teaching adult Bible study because I thought I wasn't being a good Christian due to all my pretending that life is so full,  not what it really is full of and that is......
sickness........yes I am sick........yes I am scared......... I am angry with stupid people and their constant meddling in my life when asked point blank they were not welcomed..........I am tired of one thing after another bringing me down...........I am tired of trying to smile thru the pain so my family isn't worried.......I am sick of the nightmares of the past....I hate the pills and the needles and the scans and the study......I hate the word HATE!!! I do not want pity why do people think it helps to pity...ok I take that back because sometimes pity gets confused with sympathy but even then it is difficult when friends, true friends, avoid you because they just don't know what to say and then when asked why they are avoiding they turn it around like they somehow are wronged. UGH people people people! I can not expect others to think and act like me in situations, I have to stop expecting,  but that doesn't mean I have to stop asking for RESPECT. I have this horrible anxiety of trying to do so many things before I can't because I am simply to sick to do them, I am trying to spend & mend things with certain family members because I WANT too. I also want to sightsee, stroll thru cute little shops, travel to fun destinations, and WRITE. I want to communicate with uplifting people who inspire me to try and be that one person whom makes the day special by kind words. I feel like I am running out of time but I know that is not the case.....NOT YET.
We went to Reno last weekend and the trip....... was stressful. My daughter hurt herself and now is bedrest for 6 weeks due to a broken savatical it is the bone below your tailbone, she has a very active 7 1/2 month old baby. I worry about her and know right now I am limited on what I can help them with this time. I do not want to miss a moment of my grandsons milestones or opportunities to be there and bond with him but I need to get well.
I had been feeling really awful sense the trip and I took it as to much driving, sitting, and not being able to take anything for the discomfort. The Dr.s had taken me off ALL meds so they could do bone marrow testing this week, the withdraws have been horrible, I have several symptoms like that of early pregnancy but no hopes of a baby after it passes LOL. I heave my guts out every morning starting at 3 am, I hurt in random places and I am scared to death of TIA's (small strokes) they took me off my medication for those,  so every head or neck pain is a panic. We have the warning signs all over the place at home, in the car, and at my work.... for stroke, I have survived 3. I am not a sickly person quite the opposite. I am one of those people that checked everything off as....it is just stress!!! I had more stress in my life than 10 people and that is no exaggeration. I am now paying the price of not taking care of ME when it was minor and manageable. Working thru the pain was normal for me, I worked double shifts running a fever, no problem, as long as I stayed strong I would get thru it, the survivor in me always took over and now I am learning to be vulnerable and it is a scary thing.
Due to the whiteblood cells being so high now for so long it is causing problems, my appt. this week with the blood specialist went terribly....the kidneys are trying to shut down, they flushed me with fluids, I was pass the normal dehydrated stage so they got me fluids and an anti-biotic going thru Iv's I will continue taking then orally and I am to take my temperature several times a day if even the slightest elevation I am to go straight to the hospital. I have to put the spinal testing and bone marrow on hold now so the withdraws from my medications seems for nothing. I have added a new specialist to the Dr. list, I will be seeing a kidney specialist on Monday. They are doing a procedure Tuesday where they take all the whiteblood cells out of the blood and then inject them back into me and they are suppose to go right to the infected site so they can see if it will tell them exactly where the disease is, we tried this before and it failed to show anything other then the kink spot in the colon and then they couldn't get a good enough biopsy bla bla bla, so here we are again.
I have confidence that the Holiday will be fine that is the ONE blessing about our lil family, my kids are great with a no fuss, stay in jammies, and munch all day, Turkey day!!!

16 comments:

  1. Without going into the sordid details of my health issues, I just want you to know that I know so fully, fully well how you're feeling. I truly do and my heart is aching for you and I am frustrated for you too. For anyone who has ridden on this medical merry-go-round, you have hit the proverbial nail right on the head and again, my heart aches for you.. Please know that there is at least one person who truly understands all of these thoughts you're having and I am praying for you always and sending much, much love to you..
    Drop me an email - mimis_boyz@hotmail.com

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    1. Mimi, I do know without a doubt you understand because you too drive in the survior lane as well. i love you dear friend and will get an e-mail to you this evening. Thank you for You I am so lucky to have you in my heart <3

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  2. I'm glad you stopped by my blog.

    I read this post and it has touched me deeply. I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to come up with the right words to tell a virtual stranger who has touched me ... even walked away for a few moments in an attempt to gather them. I cannot say "I understand" because I'm not battling any health issues. They started as I have headed into "middle age" but I'm able to keep them at bay by lifestyle changes. But this post has awakened me to the need to be thankful, every single day, that so far, I am OK health-wise.

    It has also awakened me to realize that so many people around me could be battling health issues, being in the fight of and for their lives. This has helped to give me some insight as to how they are feeling and I thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart, for being brave and giving enough to post this.

    You ask for respect ... you have it from me, in abundance.

    BTW --- I wanna see the "ugly scarf" picture if and when it is made!! :o)

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    1. Thank you Hilary for your words they are truly touching & it is so hard for us all to find the words at many moments but knowing a person cares is a major hurdle for those whom get tired of the race it creates that extra push.
      If I can find an ugly scarf I will for sure be sending you a picture LOL

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  3. Dear, dear friend. My heart aches for you and I have tears in my eyes after reading your post. I wish I could be close by to give you a hug and encouraging words!

    Love and hugs,
    Beth

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    1. Beth you do so much for me even without living close!! You have a special spot in my heart that will never be lost. i just adore you my adopted mama ;] love & hugs for you!!

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  4. Bless your precious heart. PLEASE know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself 'cause nobody else will!!! HOPE your THANKSgiving is blessed!

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    1. I do know this Debbie & thank you for inspiring me and helping me stay strong with faith you have been a huge instrument of His Word when I have felt teetering.

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  5. I have to be careful because after reading your heartfelt and open post, I know my usual reaction is to say something stupid because I want to make everything better and don't know how.

    So instead, I will say a prayer.

    Love, Marianne

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    1. Oh Marianne you do make things better, so many people in the blogosphere help people like me and others fighting their own issues every day by your funny, silly, inspiring, & even stupid posts. By reaching out across the internet we have HOPE & FRIENDS & PRAYERS that make the worst day better, you dear friend or a better!!! love you ;]

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    2. It is suppose to say YOU DEAR FRIEND ARE A BETTER!!! oopsy I on not rereading before hitting send LOL

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    3. Wait. We're supposed to PROOF our stuff???? Who knew.

      Thank you for being kind during YOUR difficult time...it definitely speaks volumes of your character and heart.

      I wish you all the best, my friend!

      Xxoxo Walshie

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  6. Dearest J, I love you for the honesty of this post. I know how hard you focus on living and being there for your family, but it is also important that you focus on what you need right now, both in rest and time for healing, and also the fun things that you really want to do. Know that all of us are surrounding you with prayers and love. Please keep us updated as you walk this road, we want to walk it with you. Keep your faith, in the end it is enough, and it's ok to yell at God now and then too, God understands! :-) XOXO, Josie

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    1. I do know what you say Josie as true honest feelings and I thank you & God every day for having you in my corner. I am grateful for you ALWAYS encouraging me in just the right way :) love you

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  7. I am so sorry for all the health issues that you are experiencing. I cannot even imagine. And then to have people in your life who should be supportive and encouraging, but only bring you further down. it must be so discouraging.
    I have no words that can make it all better, except to say that I am thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.
    Also, hugs. Lotsa them! :)

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    1. Actually Leslie you do make it better & your prayers are so appreciated. I love reading your blog and I love seeing all your comments on others blogs YOU dear wonderful lady are a SUPER friend and lots of HUGS right back to you thank you :]

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